I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize