Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
