id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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