I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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