I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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