I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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