can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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