btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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