I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just blew my weed a kiss
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
