its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
