Don't make out with my wife yet
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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