ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
