i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
