i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
