In the future we'll all be gay
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
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