smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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