I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
