Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
this boner is exhausting
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
