I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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