you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
