you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
