So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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