It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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