I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
