My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize