I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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