Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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