omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Randomize
