8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
