Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
