i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
