weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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