today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
