9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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