Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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