Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
