Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
