There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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