Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
