Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
