sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
