please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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