My friends, they love my intelligence
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
