You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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