I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
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