Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
