I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
