ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
