I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
