WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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