I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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