Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I think people are normalizing furries
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
