Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
