Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
