Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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