Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
