I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
