Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
