If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
